Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Great President? Or the GREATEST President?

As I was telling some of you about my American Presidency midterm this morning, I had to explain the course... Here are my exact words: "For the record, it's about the institution as a whole, not Obama, Buch, Lincoln, or anyone specific. Very non-partisan."

Of course, I noticed my Freudian slip pretty quickly: I meant to name the forty-third President of the United States, and not the presumptive fourth man in the Red Sox 2010 pitching rotation (don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE a course about the Sox, but this one is about the presidency).

However, that slip of the tongue got me thinking: what would it be like if Clay (or any of his Red Sox compadres ) were to take a seat in the Oval Office? What would their campaign be like? Who would their closest advisor be? Could they push their agenda through an unwilling Congress? And, most importantly, which takes precedence: the Patriot's Day morning game, or Presidential duties?

The only one with Presidential experience of any kind is, of course, Jerry Remy: honorable president of Red Sox Nation. So as I was finishing my midterm I posed the following question - "Jerry Remy: Great President? Or the GREATEST President?" Obviously, the Rem-Dawg is the inaugural President of RSN, so it remains to be see how great he might become... In the meantime, here's what I think might happen if some of our favorite Sox characters occupied the White House.

Jonathan Papelbon:
Paps would show up every day for work dressed in awkward lacy shirts, possibly with a Bud Light box on his head. He would be skilled in leading the country in high pressure situations, but would get bored if there were no problems and might pick a country to start a war of words with, just for kicks. Presidential quote: "Lord President Cinco Ocho has no comment about that situation."

Kevin Youkilis:Kevin Youkilis would support eliminating the age restrictions on buying alcohol, as long as those under twenty-one don't DRINK the booze, but dump it on Julio Lugo or Joba Chamberlain instead. His intensity level would be just as high during the Annual White House Easter Egg Hunt as it would be when dealing with Kim Jong Il. Presidential quote: "I'm not bald, I'm follically challenged. Let's be PC, people."

Jason Varitek:The Captain's first order of business would be declaring July 24 a national holiday: on that day, any MLB player (or fan!) wearing #33 is legally allowed to shove his glove into the face of anyone wearing #13. Every year, A*Rod and Tek will ceremoniously reenact the famous episode on the White House lawn. Presidential quote: "Please, I don't want to talk about my [hitting] speech-giving... most of my job is behind the plate... er I meant behind the desk..."

Mike Lowell:Before anyone gets the immigration authorities involved, Mikey was born in Puerto Rico, making him an American citizen, and thus eligible for the Presidency. Mike's agenda would be comprised entirely of invading Cuba, and democratizing the island. Don't believe me? Read his book. Presidential quote: "Suck it, Fidel!"

Tim Wakefield:Timmy would make it his business to eliminate gun violence, while still allowing for personal gun ownership (a man's gotta hunt!). His Vice President, Mike Timlin, will be his hunting buddy. However, Timlin promises not to shoot anyone in the face. Presidential quote: "Ask not what the knucklah can do for you, but what you can do for the knucklah!"

Dustin Pedroia:Pedey's first official act as the leader of the free world will be to order a booster seat for the Oval Office, followed shortly by a law that says every American must be filthy by the middle of their workday, or they're fired for not working hard enough. He'll immediately release his Presidential memoirs, tentatively titled Born to Prematurely Publish Memoirs. Presidential quote: "[Not appropriate for all audiences]"

Josh Beckett:Becks would start off with a bang by single-handedly digging Osama bin Laden out of hiding, then pelting him with 95MPH fastballs before turning him over to the United Nations. Josh would be only the second bachelor President, but hey, the guy likes to play the field... let's hope the Secret Service don't ruin his mojo. Presidential quote: "*ahem* Baseball Terms."

1 comment:

  1. How could I choose? Maybe they could run the country by committee! Think of how great that would be!