Monday, September 14, 2009

Monday One-Liners

First let me apologize for my extreme delinquency in posting for the entire month of August; I was dealing with some very serious family issues, and then had to immediately be ready to return to school. In short, I had some good reasons, but I'm sorry in any case.

Now, on to the post. Like many of you, I have a rather large collection of baseball books, and each of them has its own share of classic one-liners. Because I need some laughs (and who doesn't on a Monday?), here's a compilation of "greatest quotes" from certain of my books:

"Since Dan Shaughnessy is the guy who invented this curse nonsense in the first place, I find it kind of odd that he keeps talking about it. He's a bright guy. I can't believe he actually believes in it. I guess the Curse of the Bambino has a better ring to it than the Curse of Dan Shaughnessy." (Page 102).

I know this book as a whole is sort of crappy, but this line is too good to overlook... I mean, the Curse of Dan Shaughnessy? Gold. As a side note, I realized that only crazy Red Sox fans like myself would bother to learn to spell a name as difficult as Shaughnessy when he's not even a player. Yastrzemski was one thing, but really...

"Every time I go someplace where the people have never met me before, they all tell me the same thing: I look fatter on TV... I always joke with them: 'Who do you think I am, Kevin Millar?' (Trust me, bro. Millar would say the same thing about me.)"

This just captures the carefree AWESOME of the magical 2004 team. Shots before the game? Fine. Calling a teammate fat in a national bestseller? Whatever. Honestly, Millar would undoubtedly say the same, and he has.

"'I began to think about the pinstripes?' The allure of the tradition?' 'Set my legacy?' Who spoke like that? You could have polished the entire fleet of New York City cabs for a year with all that polish."

And we all know about Clemens and the liniment, so I'll spare you that particular mental image once again, but I just can't resist a good shot at A*Rod's dignity.

"I kept teasing him [Pedroia]: 'They told me you were a second-rounder. I didn't know they drafted short, fat people that early. If I knew that, I would have just not grown and eat a lot of cheeseburgers.'" Also about Pedey: "Simmer down, Napoleon."

That one needs no explanation: this next one, however, means a lot to me on a personal level.

"Surviving cancer is, and will always be, my toughest battle. I laugh when people talk about how tough it is to deal with the boos of the fans or the high expectations of big market baseball. Hah! You want to know what tough is. John Kruk knows. Andres Galarraga knows. And Jon Lester has come to find out. When cancer comes calling, baseball takes a backseat. Having forty thousand people at Yankee Stadium tell me I suck is a nice diversion."

"What happened in player meetings, was supposed to stay in player meetings - sort of like the first rule of Fight Club."

Now, this book was not especially informative, or even well-written, and I definitely don't recommend buying it, but that line just made me picture a drunken Josh Beckett brandishing his fist in the face of someone like Josh Reddick, while the rookie pees his pants and the rest of the veterans look intimidating in the background. Red Sox Fight Club? Sign me up!

"Forget about A-Rod. We've got Mike Lowell in the house."

While that quote was attributed to the much maligned Manny Ramirez, its sentiment rings true. when it comes to championships, character, team spirit, resemblance to George Clooney,or just general awesomeness, Mikey wins. Every single time.

"Once, Francona was so frustrated with Ramirez that he told Ortiz, 'I'm going to kill him.' Ortiz listened and told the manager that he'd check on Ramirez. After a while, Ortiz returned with a smile and a statement: 'It's all right for you to kill him now.'"

Oh, the days of Manny and Papi... It's like good cop/bad cop. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss Manny (especially the way he's been hitting lately), but those were some good times.

"I came up next. And put a line drive over the Monster. With that bomb, I was only 742 home runs behind Barry Bonds on the all-time list."

"I always wanted to be a miniature badass."

Only Dustin Pedroia can deliver these two gems without a trace of irony. If you haven't read his book, do it now. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, just read it.

I'll try to be better about posting, and if I'm being honest with myself, it's likely that this blog will come before homework (a girl's got to have her priorities - this is a pennant race!).


  1. for the record...i loved the pedey book

  2. Wow, you're really into biographies / official books, too. I skew the opposite way: My bookshelf is full of old editions of Baseball Prospectus, Football Outsiders, Moneyball and books about basketball history.

  3. Moneyball is a must-have, I definitely keep it on hand... and the collected works of Bill James are staples in my collection, too, just not particularly suited for humorous excerpts!