Sunday, March 3, 2013

Geeking out over Ichiro Suzuki

I once theorized that Ichiro Suzuki was secretly related to Spiderman, given his success in climbing fences and robbing homeruns.

I don't regret that comparison at all - Ichiro is crazy flexible, unreasonably quick, and ridiculously agile, and he very well might be fighting crime in his off time.

But I would like to make a different superhero comparison for Ichiro, this time to one of the X-Men. The Yankees outfielder is thirty-nine going on twenty-five, seemingly immune to the scrounges of aging, and he's impressively injury-resistant (the fewest games he's ever played in a season? 146). Yesterday, Ichiro was in a car accident that left his SUV completely totalled, and him without a scratch.

I think you can see where I'm going with this: Ichiro is self-healing and clearly ageless. I know nobody has seen adamantium claws slide from between his knuckles, but can anyone prove they don't? It's become clear to me that Ichiro Suzuki is a mutant in the mold of Wolverine, with a dash of Spiderman (this kind of splicing is totally allowed, because both characters exist in the Marvel universe).

I was devastated when the Yankees dealt for Ichiro last season, because he's one of my all time favorite players, and it's always a bummer to have to like a Yankee - not to mention my naive wish that he play for the Mariners his entire career. I think it's especially unfair for the Yankees to be allowed to have a superhero like Ichiro when they already have an android on their pitching staff (Mariano Rivera), but apparently badassery isn't considered a performance enhancing drug, and as such is not regulated by MLB.

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