Thursday, July 23, 2009

The fan gets what the fan wants...

While watching the intro to the ESPY's (hey, it's an off-day), host Samuel L. Jackson said something intriguing, namely, "This is all about the fans. The fan gets what the fan wants." How often do we hear owners/managers/athletes say something to that effect, and how often does it actually happen? Of course, Jackson is talking about the winners in his awards show, which are actually voted on by fans, but even within the ESPY's, if the fans got what they truly wanted, there would be more highlights and fewer commercials. Of course, there's no way that every fan could physically get what they want, as everyone has their own opinions about what would make their team better. Below are the events that would take place if the sports world oriented itself around THIS fan's fancy (most are Red Sox related - there's a shocker!).

  • JP Ricciardi decides that what he really needs to do is trade Roy Halladay and Marco Scutaro to Boston for Julio Lugo and a packet of grape flavored Big League Chew. Merci!
  • Brian Cashman decides that instead of overpaying for yet another free agent, he'll donate the money to a small yet overwhelmingly deserving charity. The Yankees fall out of first place when CC Sabathia eats himself into a coma at one of New York's fine restaurants.
  • Ticket prices at Fenway Park suddenly find themselves within the realm of possibility for a college student with a limited income. Trinity College consequently decides that Major League Baseball games qualify as excused absences.
  • Dustin Pedroia realizes his love for me. We live happily ever after.
  • NESN releases the footage of the beatings Josh Beckett handed down to the Sox offense following the epic FAIL on Tuesday night. Special attention is given to the post-game swirly awarded to Lowrie, and the atomic wedgie suffered by JD "I don't care that my underwear is up my ass" Drew.
  • Heidi Watney gets a clue, or, failing that, NESN hires someone with tact and passion to do her job.
  • Jacoby Ellsbury learns to take a walk, and produces in the leadoff spot. Actually, I won't even wish for that. It's impossible.
Feel free to add your wildest sports wishes in the comments!

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