Sox Superlatives: 2010

It's that time of year again: most colleges have already had their commencements, and high schools around the country are in the thick of graduation season. You know what goes with graduation? YEARBOOKS, and my personal favorite part of any yearbook is the superlatives. Though the Red Sox are just about a third of the way through the season, Off the Monster will take a stab.

Most confident:
I know the popular choice would be Pedey, but hear me out. Clay Buchholz was always that prospect who "had to work on his confidence." The stauff was always there; we were waiting for the mentality to catch up. Well, I'd say he's caught up now, and the results are BEAUTIFUL.



Best RAKING:
David Ortiz was the AL Player of the month for May, and he is absolutely destroying the ball rght now. It's almost like having vintage Papi back, and I have to say I like it.




Most likely to kill a deer:
Duh.






Most ridiculous accent:
Jon Lester is from Washington. Yet somehow, he speaks with a southern twang. I'm going to go ahead and pin this one on Josh Beckett.




Sweatiest:
Again, DUH.







Most likely to be on his knees:
No, not like that! Adrian Beltre makes defensive plays from his knees, but he's also hit two homers this way. It's so ridiculous. Also, AWESOME.





Most likely to be found in the nurses office:
This is a no-brainer. Ells has spent most of the season on the DL, and there are no signs indicating that this will change any time soon. Valid or not, speculation that his pain threshold is too low, or that he's somehow "soft," have been buzzing around for a while now.





Teacher's pet:
It's no secret that Theo LOVES JD Drew, even defending him against the haters. But honestly, I love him too. His numbers speak for themselves, and he's the most badass ginger ever. Drew Crew forever!




Father of the year:
Dustin Pedroia just has to win this one. Have you ever seen a cuter child? I'll answer for you: you haven't, because Dylan Pedroia is the most adorable baby ever. Also, Pedroia has been quoted as saying "He's growing so fast. He's bigger than me." Love it. He clearly LOVES his Uncle Tito... I wonder if Dylan can beat the skipper at cribbage?



Best dressed:
I have to give this one to Paps, even though they all look pretty snappy. You can tell by the look on his face that he's really COMMITTING to the outfit. And you just know that he'd wear that getup on the mound if Theo would allow it.



Most likely to succeed:
Last year, I picked Daniel Bard, which turned out to be a good call. This year?It's a more difficult choice, as there aren't any prospects as close as Bardo was. Nevertheless, I'm going to go out on a limb and nominate the recently promoted OF Ryan Kalish. We might not see him this year, but I'm keeping an eye out for him in 2011.


Class flirt:
Come on. You know I had to do it. Jason Varitek, Nick Green... Who's on her radar this season?






Any I missed? Sound off in the comments!

Sox Superlatives, Part 2 (The Pitching Staff)

The first installment focused on the field players, but personally, I think there are more wacky personalities in the rotation and 'pen. I mean, the bullpen chose a pirate theme. PIRATES. The closest thing the field players have going is the team goatee thing, and they share that with the pitching staff. On to the superlatives!

Starting Rotation:

Most Likely to Live to be 100 (and still be pitching): Tim Wakefield
There's a great article in this month's Red Sox Magazine about the knuckleballer, who, along with Captain Varitek, is the longest tenured member of the Boston Red Sox. Wake is known for his professional attitude, as well as for his versatility, having pitched in every possible role during his career. Who would have thought, way back in 1995, when Wake was released by the Pirates that he would play 13+ seasons with the Sox? I'm proud to say that my jersey collection includes a #49.

Most Likely to Transfer: Brad Penny
With injuries to many of the hot arms on the trading block, Penny has become one of the best pitchers on the market (according to MLB Network's skilled analysts). Injuries to Halliday and Peavy can only be good for the Red Sox, who will deal Penny only if they are "blown away" by offers, despite the logjam in the rotation. I think we can also award Penny with Mr. Congeniality. Despite what the Dodgers say about his less-than ideal clubhouse persona, the Sox have had nothing but praise for Penny's presence and work ethic.

Most Likely to Cuss in Church: Josh Beckett
Beckett has never been known for his eloquence: he gets his point across very well, but with a... uhhh... limited vocabulary. Beckett has been known to cuss indiscriminately at opposing teams, and in press conferences, all but ensuring a permanent seven second delay on every presser he ever appears on. Josh doesn't take crap from anyone, and wants to make sure everybody knows it. Runner up superlative: Most Likely to Shock a Nun.

Most Likely to Inspire the Masses: Jon Lester
Hear me out: this has very little to do with Jon's overcoming cancer, but as there is someone fighting it in my family, I can't overlook it completely. Lester has electric stuff: I was at Fenway for Lester's start against the Rangers where he made a run at perfection, and managed to finish up with a complete game. No matter what Jon does in his career, even if he wins a handful of Cy Youngs and throws multiple no-hitters (he has his start), he will always be inspirational to those fighting cancer, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Least Likely to Throw a Complete Game: Daisuke Matsuzaka
Daisuke has not pitched into the seventh inning yet this year, and has pitched into the sixth just once. Matsuzaka is exasperating to watch, and I'm pretty sure he's personally taken several years off of my life while he continuously creates jams to wriggle out of. Daisuke nibbles, we all know that, but this year he's giving up lots of hits and runs. I, like most of New England (and, I suspect, the Sox front office), blame the World Baseball Classic. Maybe if we can convince him the Red Sox represent his country, he'll care enough to pitch like that for us.


Bullpen:

Most Likely to Jump off the Tobin Bridge if Traded: Manny Delcarmen
Manny is one of those homegrown players who is really homegrown. Born and raised in Boston, and drafted out of a Boston high school, Manny truly is a Boston boy, and the day he gets traded (there is considerable interest) will be a hard one indeed, all around. I know plenty of boys who would give their left kidney to play for the Red Sox: I'm guessing that Delcarmen was the same as a child, and to achieve one's childhood dream only to have it yanked away is cruel. I know it's unrealistic to think he'll be with this team forever, but here's hoping he leaves on his own terms.

Worst Nickname: Ramon Ramirez
Whichever media outlet/blogger/lumberjack came up with the name "Ram-Ram" deserves to be shot. I understand that there was another Ramirez who recently parted ways with the Sox, but any fan who gets confused when you talk about Ramirez's pitching line is clearly a Yankees fan in disguise.




Most Likely to Succeed: Daniel Bard
I had to save this one for a rookie, as listing Youk or Pedey would feel like a cop out. However, I feel very confident with this prediction, even considering the disappointing outing he had yesterday in Philly. His reaction to the shelling was more telling than the results themselves: he handled himself admirably, shrugging it off as growing pains. Judging by the 100mph fastball followed by 85mph breaking stuff he displayed the outing before, I'm willing to bet that it was only growing pains. Runner up superlative: Closer of the Future.

Most Likely to End Up in Pinstripes: Jonathan Papelbon
I have resigned myself to the fact that Paps is going to be closing games for the Bronx Bombers sooner or later (and probably sooner). It all fits: Paps' insistence on the highest payday, the Sox' reluctance to sign him long term (due to concerns about his longevity), the fact that Mariano Rivera is reaching the end of an amazing career, and that the Red Sox have an in house solution for the spot. It will hurt to see him pitching for the other side, but it cannot be termed as unexpected.

Cutest Smile: Hideki Okajima
Don't even pretend like you don't see it. In this case, a picture is worth a thousand words:

Least Likely to Make Headlines: Takashi Saito
The most interesting thing to happen to the righthander so far was Josh Beckett greeting him by saying "Hola" during Spring Training. Saito has done well thus far, though he has done nothing spectacular. He doesn't get notice unless he does particularly bad, which must be hard for a man who once saved 39 games in a season. All in all, he is a valuable part of the bullpen, and we would do well not to forget that.

Most Popular: Justin Masterson
Just one interview of Justin had me convinced he was someone I wanted to keep track of. What a character! First off, he drives a Mini-Cooper, and admits that he bought it, despite his 6'5" frame, because his wife wanted it. He's not afraid to laugh at himself, and to top it all off, he wants to do whatever he can so that the Red Sox win. Need a starter? Long guy? Quick double play? Masty's your man. Someone so versatile and friendly has got to be beloved in the clubhouse, and I KNOW he's beloved by the fanbase.

There you have it: my take on Sox superlatives so far. I promise to do a better job of updating... or I'll at least try (my sister's wedding is in less than a month, so life is pretty hectic right now).

Sox Superlatives

In the spirit of graduation and yearbook season (congrats Hebron, Trinity, and Kennett Classes of 2009!), I decided to write up a list of Red Sox superlatives, based on their respective seasons thus far. This has the added bonus of getting me out of talking about today's debacle of a game. Here goes:

Field Players:

Best Facial Hair: Kevin Youkilis
Mark Kotsay might be upset about this one, but how can you argue with a beard that has it's own Twitter account and YouTube videos? Youk's goatee is one of the most recognizable physical features of the team, and it would be remiss of me not to recognize its magnificence.


Most Confident: Dustin Pedroia
Another no-brainer. Have you ever seen a ballplayer with more swagger than the Sox second-baseman? You just know Pedroia spent the entire game trying to convince Tito to put him in, despite the 0-for7 night he recently had, which qualifies as a slump for the feisty #15. Add in that ad he recorded for MLB 09: The Show, and Pedey is dangerously close to bypassing confident and embracing arrogant... but I love it.

Most Likely to Overcome Adversity: Nick Green
You just can't root against Green. He had to have been third or even fourth on the Sox depth chart at short coming into Spring Training, and all of a sudden, Lugo needs knee surgery, and Lowrie needs wrist surgery. Green fills in adequately, and when Lugo returns, steps it up a notch. I can't be the only one disappointed when BooHoolio Lugo plays at short over Green, can I?


Most Respected: Mike Lowell
Face it, Mikey just looks like an elder statesman. At the tender age of 35, Lowell has that salt-and-pepper hair and beard combination that every successful diplomat needs, as well as the coveted ability to speak fluently in both English and Spanish. Add that to the fact that he has an inspirational life story, and the man just cannot be insulted. (READ HIS BOOK!)


Biggest Baby: Julio Lugo
Lugo has done several media interviews lately where he laments he lack of playing time, and admits to being upset over the fact that he is constantly lambasted by fans and reporters alike. This just in, BooHoolio, but if they didn't care about harmony in the clubhouse, your pitching staff would have given you an atomic wedgie, followed by a stern talking-too from Wake, complete with interjections of profanity from Beckett. But, yes, Lugo, we feel your pain: you're not good enough to play everyday, yet you're being paid like Nomar in his heyday... Boo-freakin'-hoo.

Most Resilient: Jason Varitek
The Captain has enjoyed an impressive renaissance, at least at the plate, and it appears that he is trying his darnedest to prove those naysayers wrong. To his credit, Varitek doesn't like to talk about his new found successes with the bat, and prefers to emphasize his work with the pitching staff. If anyone will end his career in Boston (beside Tim Wakefield), it should be Jason Varitek... But with his agent, who knows?

Most Popular: David Ortiz
Have Boston fans ever supported a player as unconditionally as they have supported Big Papi this season? After 2004, many fans feel as though they owe their sanity to good old #34, and they may very well be right. Despite the hellacious slump endured by the slugger this season, the fans have stood by him. Are the curtain calls after each home run ridiculous and slightly embarrassing? Absolutely, but I've had the privilege of being present on two such occasions this year, and I was proud both times to be part of such a supportive fan base.

Least Disruptive: George Kottaras
Georgie is the perfect back up catcher: he can catch Wake, is passably good looking, and doesn't make waves in the clubhouse. Think about it. You never see or hear about Kottaras on days he isn't catching, and even when he is, he is so dependable - yet not outstanding - that you think about him only when he does something unexpected, like hit a home run. His passed balls are minimal, and he seems to do well with Wakefield. Plus, Theo can pay him league-minimum. A match made in heaven, I'd say.

Best Looking: Jacoby Ellsbury
Duh. And it's precisely why I won't get a #46 shirt. Last time I was at Fenway, I sat in front of the type of fans I LOATHE. Two girls who knew next to nothing about baseball ("What happens if there's a tie at the end?"), who insisted they should have "pregamed" harder before the game, and who were, inevitably, wearing Ellsbury jerseys. Ellsbury was not even in the lineup, and hadn't been for two days. They fretted about him for a good three innings, before becoming too drunk to care. Jacoby is a good young player, but girls like that make me want to permanently disfigure him so they'll stop coming to games.

Least Likely to Show Emotion: JD Drew
JD has to be the most even-keeled human being EVER. Strikeout? Grand slam in the playoffs? Same blank expression. I referred to him as "No Feelings Drew" on Twitter the other night, and someone replied to me and told me that she had gone to college with JD, and that he was a really nice guy. I'm sure he is, but even if he hated you, you'd never know it, because his facial expression never changes. Ever. If he didn't injure himself so often, I'd swear he was an android.

Most Fragile: Rocco Baldelli
Not his fault, but Rocco isn't exactly Cal Ripken, Jr. Rocco cannot play more than two days in a row, and manages to have sore/strained muscles more often than not. However, if he can make catches like he did during the third game of the last Yankees' series every time he plays, he can have all the off time he wants.


Favorite Exchange Student: Jason Bay
Jason Bay came over at the trade deadline last year, and it's been a honeymoon ever since. Bay is everything you could want in a left fielder, except for possibly the extreme paleness of his skin. I think he might blind the opposing pitchers with his whiteness. Runner up superlative for Bay? Most SPF Needy.

Most Versatile: Mark Kotsay
Beyond playing all three outfield position and wielding a more than adequate lefthanded bat, he can hold down first base, as we saw last year during the playoffs. He also is a great clubhouse guy, according to the Skipper, and could rival JD Drew for best monotone during interviews. Our male readers know that he has a good looking wife. All in all, Kotsay does well for himself, on and off the field. Runner up superlative: Best looking family.


Tomorrow: the pitching staff.