Friday, May 1, 2009

There can be only ONE...

So, I was on Twitter last night while I watched the game, and I had an epiphany.  Cyn at Toeing the Rubber asked "Who broke Josh Beckett?"  And it came to me.  Now, I have to give credit to Texy over at Center Field for this post, without which I never would have figured out Josh's problems.

Obviously, as I said on Twitter, "The pitching gods are mad that he tried to clone himself in Lester... There can only be ONE Josh Beckett." Now, without that insightful post from Center Field, I might not have noticed the alarming rate at which Lester is transforming from Beckett's protege to some sort of creepy clone of the man with the soul patch, but it all fits together now.  Obviously, some higher power of baseball is upset... I can only imagine that if Lester were right-handed like Beckett is, the top 40% of our rotation would have already been struck by lightning.  Or maybe a plague of locusts.

I mean, think about it: the two were already similar, just by virtue of both being tall, fireballing badasses who were drafted straight out of high school.  Now, Beckett seems to have made it his mission to make Lester his carbon copy (this would be more awesome if either of them were pitching better).  I say enough is enough.  Obviously, someone is upset at this travesty.  Only Josh Beckett is allowed to talk of "executing pitches" like it's the be-all, end-all.  Only Josh Beckett is allowed to go on crazy hunting trips with Mike Timlin (in all fairness, I don't know if this has technically ever occurred).  And only Josh Beckett can pull of the awkward soul-patch, under the chin goatee thing (seriously Lester, this is a bad look).

I also decided that Beckett is allergic to Tropicana Field... I mean, I know it makes me want to vomit.  So all we have to do to get the vintage Beckett back (beyond getting the heck out of Tampa) is get someone to slap some sense into Lester and give him the advice that every fifth grader needs: "Just be yourself.  I promise we'll still love you."  Once we have two distinct pitchers at the top of the rotation, I'm confident the pitching gods will lift the plague they've put on the Boston starters (all those under the age of forty, that is).  I'm not religious, but if the pitching gods want a sacrifice, I'm offering Matt Garza: we'll ask Coco Crisp to fight him in a steel cage match... everyone knows that Coco owns Tampa Bay pitching, at least in fist fights.

Can someone explain how Lester is listed as three inches shorter than Beckett?

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