(My) Top Ten Tweets

Last night's game was sort of a wash going in: I mean, Greinke vs. Byrd? That's not even fair. However, I remembered last year when we had a chance to clinch against Cleveland, we had Wake going against eventual Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. Most of us resigned ourselves to waiting another day... and then the Sox smacked Lee with his third (and last) loss of the year. Unfortunately, the magic wasn't there, as Byrd got shelled for five runs in the first frame, and Greinke (predictably) stymied the Red Sox bats. However, it's rewarding to look for humor in the bleakest of times, so here goes: yesterday's Top Ten Tweets:

10.) "Byrd is the word alright... Unfortunately it's a four-letter word." We members of RSN, Twitter division, repeat this mantra every Byrd start... Some days it's more effective than others, but the following video is always a crowd-pleaser:


9.) "'Playin' the flute.' I love you, Sean Casey. I love you." Please don't tell Pedey on me, but I'm definitely smitten with the Mayor in the booth. He was obviously referring to Youk's batting stance, and, if you look at his right hand, it does look sort of like he's trying to play the flute. But hey, whatever works.
8.) "Jason Varitek just got on base. SHOCKING. And welcome." I'll take offense from whatever corner it comes from, and the captain is mired in a hellacious slump. I'm going to dismiss his start last night as Tito throwing him a bone during a game already conceded as a loss, and applaud the freak accident that led to him getting on base against Mr. Greinke.

Even umpires are outrunning the beleaguered Captain right now :(

7.) "Gonzo wants to keep Pedey in his place: 'You can be replaced, man... by ME.'" I've been referrring to Gonzo and Pedey as the double play DREAMTEAM (yes, it has to be one word and all in CAPS). However, yesterday, Gonzo made the play, touched second, and fired to first by himself, no doubt leaving Dustin feeling lonely and abandoned. It's okay Pedey, Gonzo is a defensive wizard, and I'm always here for comfort.

6.) "OOOHHH I approve of the bullpen factoring into this game." Look, if Ichiro is a witch, then Zack Greinke is a GOD. I want him to win the Cy Young. I really just wanted to score a few UNearned runs off of him so we could win while his ERA stayed awesome. Well, the ERA stayed awesome (down to 2.08), but we couldn't muster anything against him. I was excited to see the bullpen, but our efforts against them proved just as fruitless.Who are these guys, anyway?

5.) "I approve of Sean Casey's illicit relationship with Gonzo... 'He has such good soft hands.'" Okay, totally out of context, but I couldn't resist. Casey was talking about the play Gonzo made on a shallow outfield pop up... he meant that most shortstops would leave that ball to the center fielder, but that Gonzo has the skills to catch it - and he did. However, he said it with such breathless admiration that I couldn't help but wonder if there isn't something... else... going on.There are NO pictures of Casey and Gonzo together... Coincidence? I think not.

4.) "Okay. That was a strike on a normal sized man.... Pedey is definitely FUN-SIZED." The umpires were squeezing our pitchers all night. I understand that if you can command the strike zone like Greinke you get the benefit of the doubt, and that's fine. But the guy pitching to Dustin in this instance was from the bullpen brigade, and the pitch was up around his eyes. I get that on a normal person that's the right height for a called strike, but Pedey has his own strike zone, and it's interchangeable with the one they use in Little League.

Youk is of average height for a ballplayer. Clearly, Pedey is not. ADJUST THE STRIKE ZONE ACCORDINGLY!!!

3.) "#HeidiWatneyNeedToBeOnTwitter <- STUPID. She only works for NESN because she's good-looking. She's awful to listen to." Someone seriously thought it was a good idea for Watney to have a Twitter account. Why? She has nothing to say! They feed her the interview questions, and the game updates. She's there to be a pretty face, and that's it. Her baseball knowledge is negligible. 2.) "Seriously... If Greinke doesn't win the Cy Young, I'm going to punch Joba Chamberlain in the face." I mean, I've always wanted to punch Joba in the face, so he seems like the ideal person for me to take my frustration out on if Greinke doesn't win. A pitcher shouldn't get penalized for the team he plays form and if Zack doesn't win, it will be a perfect example of injustice.
1.) "Okay, you all talked me into it... I'll just punch Joba in the face for the enjoyment of RSN, Twitter division." I mean, I'll take one for the team here. I got so many @replies asking me to just punch him anyway, regardless of Cy Young voting. It's not like I really want to... It's an obligation I feel to my Tweeps. So watch your back, Joba.

Seriously... Who talks bad about Yogi Berra? Now he REALLY needs to get punched in the face. Also, he got arrested for DUI, and people want to give him a mulligan? Hello?!? Ever heard of Nick Adenhart? THAT'S why there's no do-overs.

Quote of the Day

When asked about the conditions yesterday, Jason Bay admitted they were formidable. However, he felt the need to remind us of something, and that something is the quote of the day:

"I grew up in Canada. I've played in worse."
This is an actual picture of Jason Bay playing baseball in his hometown... In July.

In all seriousness, I get where he's coming from. I grew up in northern New Hampshire, and played high school softball in western Maine. It is often very difficult to get a game in, and for that reason, Little League seasons in my region are much shorter than those in other parts of the country. This explains the preposterous lack of baseball superstars from New England and Canada (try naming five), as most boys choose sports like hockey or skiing, something they can play for more than three months at a time.

Bay's emergence as a bonafide star is thus even more impressive. He didn't have the opportunity to train in baseball for twelve months a year like teammates Dustin Pedroia (California) or Mike Lowell (Florida). So hats off to Jason Bay, the token Canadian... Is anyone surprised that he was the lone player to go yard last night? It was obviously all that training in the snow.



By the way, I was totally kidding about the picture... it's May.

Ichiro Suzuki: BAMF

This was my Facebook status at 1:00AM on Saturday:

Attention: Ichiro hit a ninth-inning, game-winning, home run off Mariano with two outs. The man is a STUD.

Everyone knows it's true. Ichiro Suzuki is that guy. You know, that guy that you love... except when he's playing against your team. The man has the ability to be a game changer on every single play. There aren't too many active players like that.... maybe just enough to list on one hand, but Ichiro is a category unto himself. Ichiro has 83 career home runs, and hit a career-high 15 back in 2005. This statistical trend doesn't seem to matter, as he can seemingly go bridge on command, against whichever pitcher you might throw at him.

Mariano Rivera, for instance, has given up just sixty home runs over a fifteen-year career, and if you throw out his rookie season, that number shrinks to forty-nine... So, take a guy who hits an average of 9ish home runs a year, and put him against the second-most prodigious closer of all time (Yankees fans often forget the still-active Trevor Hoffman has 66 more saves than their beloved Mo) who gives up less than four homers per year, you'd probably feel pretty secure putting your money on the latter.

WRONG. Ichiro is practically magic. He has shown time and time again that he can be a home run hitter, and instead chooses to spray base hits all over the field (to the tune of 200+ hits every one of his nine seasons in MLB, in addition to an already impressive career in Japan). If people can honestly argue that Derek Jeter deserves the AL MVP award based on "intangibles," then I can go a step further and suggest that Ichiro win it based on "intangible awesomeness (and suspected witchcraft)." Seriously. It's one thing to make your team play better when it's comprised entirely of all-stars, and quite another to pull off the sort of turnaround the Mariners have seen (they lost more than 100 games last season, and are on pace to go 85-77) with a team of rookies and past-their-primes (hello, Ken Griffey, Jr.). [In all seriousness, I'll cry if Derek Jeter wins the MVP. However, I will also be upset if Ichiro wins, because the man that deserves it plays in Minnesota. Maybe you've heard of him?]

Even beyond the numbers, Ichiro was the first position player to come to the Major Leagues and play every day. He is a superstar on two continents (maybe more), and deservedly so. He plays the game the right way, consistently beating out more infield hits than any other player, and hustling in the field. I'm also convinced he's secretly related to Spiderman, but that's another story...
He's also sort of a general badass, and, according to Jason Bay, quite the joker:

Workout day. I run back in from the field to get sunglasses. Locker room completely empty except Ichiro stretching on the floor and his translator sitting on the chair beside him. So we make small talk, and I ask him where he lives in Seattle because I lived in the suburbs.

Well, I had barely got the last word out when Ichiro says something in Japanse. Then his translator turns to me, deadpanned and straight-faced and says, “I’m going to mess with your house.” The way he said it was malicious, and Ichiro is on the floor dying laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. I was just like, “OK, I’ll see you guys out there.” I didn’t know what to say. It was weird.

Anyway, you can see why I love the guy, and why is is, far and away, my favorite baseball player, non-Sox division.... At least until he does something like this against the Sox:


The best part is, he probably could do that.